I have a dark sense of humor. My wife asked me if I ever think of someone else when we're intimate. I said, 'Yes, your sister.'

Some people say I'm black and white. I prefer to think of myself as a gradient of grey.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'Sure, take the elevator.'

I told my therapist about my addiction to brake fluid. He said he couldn't stop me.

I asked a cannibal if he wanted a piece of my mind. He declined.

I told my psychiatrist that I keep having dreams where I'm a car. He said I'm in for a long drive.

I told my wife she should try hiking. She said, 'I already walk a fine line between life and death.'

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard it was going to be a real scream.

People say I have no sense of direction. I think they're wrong - how else did I end up in this dark alley?

I was going to tell a joke about suicide, but it's a touchy subject.

Why did the serial killer bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.

My new apartment is so small, when I put the key in the lock, I stabbed the guy on the other side.

I use a wheelchair because I'm paralyzed from the waist down. It's amazing what losing a hundred pounds will do.

My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I told my friend I have the body of a 25-year-old. He asked where I got it. I told him the cemetery.

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, 'No, wait! I can change.'

I always feel better when my doctor tells me something is 'normal' because I'm used to being abnormal.

I told my wife she should've been a doctor, not a mortician. She killed at the job interview.

Why did the zombie open a vegan restaurant? He wanted to serve finger foods.

Why did the ghost get angry at Halloween? He couldn't find any boos in the crowd.

Why did the vampire become an accountant? He could count on his victims.