I have a joke about decomposition, but it's a bit too grave.

I tried to join the Skeleton War but I didn't have the balls.

I used to be a banker, but forever in debt. Now I just rob the bank.

I accidentally swallowed a thesaurus... now I have thesaurus throat.

I asked my doctor how long I have left to live... he told me I should've paid my bill.

I have a joke about amnesia, but I forgot the punchline.

I started a fire in my kitchen... it was a hot mess.

I bought a funeral parlor... now every business is dead to me.

I used to have a fear of the dark... but then I saw the light.

I told my wife we should spice up our marriage... now we're both in the pepper spray business.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'clingy'... well she's missing me more now that I'm hiding in her closet.

I have a joke about construction, but I'm still digging up the details.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She hasn't spoken to me since.

I finally quit my job at the helium factory. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I asked the doctor if he could help me with my selective hearing. He said 'What?'

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

I've been working on my anger management. I can now call someone a mother without the F word in front of it.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it's very noble.

I asked the grim reaper if he wanted to see a magic trick. He said, 'No, I'm more of a disappearing act kind of guy.'

I finally overcame my fear of ghosts... It was a haunting experience.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my uncontrollable OCD. He said, 'Sure, take these pills every four hours.'