I told my wife she should switch to more natural cleaning products. We're divorced now.

I have a dark sense of humor. My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because I'm too obsessed with pasta. I said, 'But you're the one who's al dente.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My wife asked me why I always carry a knife with me. I said, 'In case anyone asks for a piece of my mind.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

I have a dark sense of humor. My wife asked me what I want for Christmas. I told her, 'A divorce.' She said, 'I wasn't thinking of spending that much.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My girlfriend said she needs more space. So I locked her outside.

I have a dark sense of humor. My girlfriend asked me if I believe in the afterlife. I said, 'Of course, that's why I'm taking so many risks.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My girlfriend told me she loves me to death. I said, 'Well, make sure it's not literal.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

I have a dark sense of humor. My wife asked me if I believe in life after death. I said, 'I highly doubt it.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My wife told me she's leaving me because of my obsession with horror movies. I said, 'But honey, you can't just ghost me like that.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I said, 'Your sister can help with the list.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My wife said she was leaving me because of my addiction to social media. I said, 'Don't unfollow me now.'

I have a dark sense of humor. A little boy asked me if I've ever seen a catfish. I said, 'Only when I look in the mirror.'

I told my wife I have a split personality. She laughed and said, 'At least it's better than your multiple personalities.'

Why did the programmer break up with his girlfriend? He didn't like her constant coding in other languages.

I have a dark sense of humor. My doctor told me I'm bipolar. I said, 'Does that mean I get twice as many presents on Christmas?'

I have a dark sense of humor. My wife asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' to her. I said, 'Maybe.'

Why couldn't the vampire get a loan? He had a bad credit bite.

I have a dark sense of humor. My daughter asked me if I remember her name. I said, 'Not after the first two glasses of wine.'

I have a dark sense of humor. My son asked me to put air in his bike tires. I said, 'I'll make sure they're flat like your jokes.'