I used to be a baker, but now I'm in a lot of debt. Turns out I kneaded the dough.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes and even got me a restraining order.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said sometimes. I said, 'I'm in the living room.'

I have a joke about construction, but I'm still building up to it, unlike my life which is falling apart.

Why did the bicycle stand up by itself? It was tired of being ridden, just like me.

I made a playlist for my funeral. So far, it's just the song 'Staying Alive' on repeat.

I told my doctor I was allergic to peanuts. He prescribed me an EpiPen filled with peanut butter.

I love my job at the cemetery. People are just dying to get in.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest in the financial world.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have a new name: 'Affectionate'

Why did the tomato start a fight with the salad? He was being saucy.

I asked my wife if she ever wanted to be a cat. She told me, 'Meow way.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she just left me hanging.

I got a new job working with animals in the zoo. It's a real zooicide job.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, but she said she prefers to keep her distance.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I play accordion by nose.

I started a new job as a cemetery night watchman. On my first shift, I found a strange note on one of the graves. It said, 'I know what you did last summer.'

I asked my therapist if I have an addictive personality... he says we should meet more often.

I told my wife she should embrace her fears... now she's hugging the boogeyman.

I used to be a baker, but my dreams crumbled. Now I just loaf around.

I went to the doctor because I swallowed a dictionary... he gave me thesaurus throat.