I'm not saying my ex is a gold digger, but she reminds me of a shovel...because she's never getting laid.

I was stood up at the beach today...but I suppose the tide could turn.

A man walks into a bar…and stays there for the rest of the night, drowning his sorrows.

I don't have a drinking problem, except when I can't get a drink.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I asked the doctor if there was a cure for my laziness. He said, 'Yes, but it's in the future.'

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I finally told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He asked, 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I said, 'Sure. Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair.'

I asked my therapist for help with my OCD. He suggested I color code my fears.

I asked my therapist for help with my OCD. He suggested I number my worries for easier tracking.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym. When I got there, she was nowhere to be found. Guess we're not working out.

I told my wife I wanted to be frozen when I die. She told me to let it go.

I heard that oxygen and magnesium started dating. I was like, OMg.

I asked the doctor if he had anything for my nighttime anxiety. He said, 'Yes, turn off your phone.'

I asked my doctor for some anti-depressants. He told me to look for the silver lining. I found it in my hair.

I told my girlfriend she should start a blog. She said she already has one, it's called a diary.

I went to the doctor because I was feeling a little horse. He told me to stop flogging it.

I asked my therapist for help with my OCD. He rearranged his entire office. Now he has OCD.

I told my wife I wanted to be frozen when I die. She told me to chill out.

I asked my doctor for some anti-depressants. He told me to go to a mirror and make faces. 'You'll feel better,' he said.