Why did the snail buy a Mini Cooper? He wanted to hear 'zoom zoom' before he died.

I asked the doctor if he had anything for headaches. He said, 'Good news - I have a guillotine.'

I told my wife she should meditate to reduce stress. She told me to shut my Zen hole.

I told my wife she should get a hobby to stay busy. She started buying life insurance.

I'm not Santa Claus, but I do know when you are sleeping and when you're awake. I'm your stalker.

I told my wife she should do kegels to stay in shape. Now she's kicked me out of the beer fridge room.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed space to think.

I tried to take a selfie in a cemetery, but it came out ghosted.

People say I have a drinking problem, but I call it a solution.

I told my wife she should do squats to stay in shape. She told me to buzz off.

My wife said I was lazy, so I started sleeping with her sister to prove her wrong.

I told my wife she should do yoga to stay in shape. Downward dog - that's how I know she's mad.

Why did the moon break up with the sun? It needed some space.

I asked my doctor if he had any advice on prolonging my life. He said, 'Don't die.'

I like my coffee like I like my war—cold and never-ending.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said 'hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'

I asked the librarian if the library had a book on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.

I'm not a big fan of stairs. They make me step up my game way too much.

I told my wife she should try a diet of helicopter seeds. She said it sounds out of whirly.