I told my wife she should consider being a chef. She couldn't handle the heat.

My wife accused me of being too controlling. As if I have any say in that matter.

Why did the burglar hang a painting of a mask on his wall? So he could rob the place incognito.

I told my wife she should consider becoming a poet. She couldn't rhyme two thoughts together.

I told my wife she should consider a career in organ donation. She didn't find it very heartwarming.

I used to be a magician, but I disappeared without a trace.

I always thought airbags were the best invention in cars until I found out my ex-wife's lawyer was better.

I told my wife she should consider skydiving as a new hobby. She didn't take the suggestion too well.

My wife accused me of being unfaithful. I almost choked on my wedding ring.

I told my wife she should consider a career in fashion design. She couldn't stitch it together.

My wife called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

Why did the intern bring a ladder to his job interview? He heard it was a stepping stone to success.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired of life.

My wife said she wanted something that goes from 0 to 100 in seconds. So, I pushed her off a cliff.

I asked my wife how I could make our anniversary special. She said, 'Do the dishes.' It was a wash.

I'm like a seagull - if you have food, I'll follow you anywhere.

I told my wife she should get a massage to relax. She said, 'I already have a masseuse - his name is Jack.'

I asked my wife if she had any fantasies. She said, 'Yes, divorce papers.'

I told my wife she should learn to box to stay in shape. She hit me with a divorce.

Why did the butcher work extra hours? Because he always had a bone to pick.

I used to be a shoe salesman, but I couldn't keep anyone on their feet.