I told my therapist about my fear of giants. She told me it's a huge issue.

I would tell you a joke about the cemetery, but it's too dead.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones - they have 206.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurologist? He was outstanding at using his brain.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm feeling pretty transparent about it.

Why did the horse break up with the jockey? It wanted more freedom in the relationship.

Why did the zombie go to school? He wanted to improve his brrraaains.

What's a pirate's favorite restaurant? Arrrrby's.

Why don't witches date warlocks? They have too many hexes.

Why did the vampire get hired as a dentist? He had great fangs.

What's a zombie's favorite shampoo? Head and Shoulders.

Why do ghosts love elevators? They lift their spirits.

Why do graveyards always have a fence? People are dying to get in.

Why did the zombie go to school? To improve his life.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? So they can park in designated spots for handicapped drivers.

Why was the angry computer cold? It left its Windows open.

Why don't we ever have smoking hot lawyers? They always go through a lot of rein-could.

Why can we say that all lawyers are crooks? Because all good lawyers can divert the attention of a judge.

I asked the doctor if I would ever be able to play the piano. He told me, 'Of course!'. I said, 'That's great, I've always wanted to know what it's like to lose a finger.'

I started a new job at the prison library. It's great, I get to work behind bars.

I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. He told me to not get too attached.