My wife accused me of being addicted to brake fluid. I told her I could stop anytime.

I told the doctor I swallowed a bone. He told me to go against the grain.

I tried to explain a pun to my wife about being a locksmith. She didn't find it key.

I asked the fortune teller for my money back. She said, 'What did you expect?'

My wife accused me of being obsessed with revenge. I'll come back to her later.

I told my wife she should write a book on indecision. She said, 'I'll think about it.'

Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.

I lost my job as a chef because I kept getting fired.

Why was the belt feeling lazy? It couldn't buckle down and get to work.

Why did the pencil go to therapy? It had too many sharp feelings.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I opened a restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

I tried to take a selfie while I was falling down a flight of stairs. It's the ultimate stair-roid shot.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, and I took her cardboard box.

I told my wife we should watch 'The Exorcist' in reverse. I just wanted to see the devil come out of the priest.

My girlfriend told me, 'You’re a spider. You're amazing at spinning things.' I’m flattered.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... but she outran me.

I was having a bad day, but then I came across a mirror maze. Now I'm having an even worse day.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So I decided to stand my ground.

I tried to start a bakery, but it crumbled.