I told my friend I'm a kleptomaniac, but he just laughed. It wasn't my joke.

I asked the doctor to put me on a seafood diet. He gave me a list of places to order a fish fry.

I told my son to stop playing in the street. He got run over by a parked car.

I've started a band called 1023MB. We haven't gotten a gig yet.

The orange rolled towards the edge of the table. It was on a slow downhill spiral.

I told my wife she should stop drawing her eyebrows so high. She looked surprised.

I took a self-defense class. That mugger didn't stand a chance against my sarcasm.

I told my grandma being able to switch from night to day mode is cool. She said not when you're driving.

Why do scientists always turn to dark humor? Because light travels faster than sound.

I lost my job as a chef because I couldn't make the cut.

My wife said I should embrace my inner child. So I asked for a cookie before dinner.

I made a car out of spaghetti. It really went far, until it hit a fork in the road.

People who take everything literally are the worst. Like, who actually wants to kill two birds with one stone?

I asked my dad for a car for my birthday. He said he'd dig one up for me.

I used to be a personal trainer, but I lost my clients. I guess they couldn't handle my deadlifts.

What swims in the sea and is always thirsty? A ship.

What do you call a group of witches who live together? A broommate.

Why was the zombie always calm? It had a lot of chill in its bones.

What do you call a vampire chef? A cordon-bleu.

Why did the mummy become a rapper? It could really wrap things up.

Why did the ghost become a detective? It wanted to solve cold cases.