You ever notice how the amount of candy left in the bowl is in direct correlation to how much self-control you have?

Isn't it funny how a grocery cart with a wobbly wheel always seems to find you?

We spend so much time looking for lost keys, but never the time to appreciate keys that aren't lost.

Why does it seem like the moment you're in a rush, every traffic light turns red?

Isn't it ironic how we try to avoid ads at all costs, yet willingly watch commercials during the Super Bowl?

I feel like my toaster has a better sense of when to pop up than my alarm clock.

I always wonder why people say 'heads up' when they're about to throw something. Shouldn't it be 'heads down'?

I find it funny how we'll spend 30 minutes looking for a good movie to watch on Netflix, only to end up watching The Office for the millionth time.

Have you ever noticed how the first sock you put on is always the hardest to find?

I never understand why we drive on parkways and park on driveways. It's like the universe is trying to confuse us.

It's interesting how we'll meticulously plan a vacation but can't plan what to eat for dinner.

Why do we always assume that the shampoo and conditioner bottles are the same size? It's never an even split.

Isn't it funny how the faster you run to catch the elevator, the more likely the doors are to close in your face?

Do you ever notice how the milk carton always seems to be empty when you're pouring cereal?

Scrabble is the only game where you can win by spelling 'xylophone' but can't spell 'cat'.

Why is it that we can remember lyrics to a song from 10 years ago, but not what we had for breakfast yesterday?

It's always a race against time to eat ice cream before it melts, yet we never seem to learn.

I always find it funny how we try to avoid eye contact with strangers on public transportation, but end up staring at them through the reflection on the window.

Isn't it strange how we trust a little mint to make our breath smell good after eating a whole meal of garlic and onions?

I always find it funny how people argue with GPS directions as if the voice in the box can hear them.

It's interesting how we always assume the TV is the problem when the remote control stops working.