I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough gluten-free muffins.

I'm friends with a tree, we're rooting for each other.

I'm friends with a math book, we have our problems.

I'm friends with a map, we're going places.

I'm friends with a boat, we keep in touch even when the sea's rough.

I'm friends with a banana, we appeal to each other.

I used to be a professional fisherman, but I couldn't live on scale.

I used to be a loan officer, but I didn't have enough interest.

I'm friends with a baker, he makes me feel bread when I'm crumby.

I used to be a shoe salesman, until I gave someone the boot.

If I had a dollar for every math problem I've solved, I'd still be poor.

I'm writing an autobiography about a guy named Somebody. Nobody is reading it.

I'm not a high-energy person. I'm more of a low-energy person waiting for coffee.

I'm very good at taking tests. I've been studying for them my whole life.

I used to be a gardener, but I rose above my competition.

Why was the poor math book sad? It had too many problems.

Why did the math book sleep at the library? It couldn't put itself down.

Why was the equal sign so humble? It knew its place.

What do you call a number that can't keep still? A Roman numeral.

Why did the broom decide to switch careers? It wanted to sweep the competition.

Why did the tomato become a superstar? Because it performed well in the 'ketchup'.