What do you call a politician who tries to be funny? A stand-up candidate!

How does a politician lose weight? By shedding promises!

How does a politician handle rejection? They just pivot to a new platform!

What's a politician's favorite app? Spin-tagram – for all those political spins!

Why did the politician go to the clockmaker? To buy more time for their campaign speech!

How does a politician take their coffee? With a side of political discourse!

Why did the politician bring a parachute to the conference? In case their approval rating skydives!

What do you call a politician at a comedy club? A candidate for stand-up comedy!

Why did the politician switch to decaf? They were already stirring up enough trouble!

What do you call a group of politicians on a cruise? A ship of fools!

How does a politician take a selfie? By pandering to the camera!

Why did the politician hire a gardener? To cover up all the political dirt!

What do you get when you cross a politician and a snake? A double-crosser!

Why did the politician study geometry? To learn how to shape-shift their promises!

Why did the politician break up with his calculator? It could only divide and multiply, but never add up!

What's a politician's favorite type of fish? Lobbyist!

Why did the politician bring a deck of cards to Congress? To play the 'House Always Wins' game!

How do politicians keep in touch with voters? They send mass e-mails!

How do politicians say goodbye? They wave regulations!

What do you call a party for politicians? A caucus!

What's a politician's favorite type of wood? Lobby!