I'm friends with a guy who's a lawyer by day, but a musician by night. He's really good at making a good case.

I'm friends with a guy who's a shapeshifter. He really knows how to change the game.

I'm friends with a guy who's a tailor. He really knows how to mend fences.

I'm friends with a guy who's an electrician. He really knows how to amp up a room.

Why can't you trust an artist with secrets? Because they tend to draw a blank!

Why did the M&M go to school? Because it wanted to be a little 'smarty'!

I'm friends with every calendar, we go way back.

Have you heard about the cheese factory explosion? There was nothing left but de-brie.

Why was the music teacher best at baseball? Because he had the perfect pitch!

I tried counting sheep to fall asleep, but it was a baaaa-d idea.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder because he got a little behind in his work.

I wanted to be a test pilot, but I couldn't find the runway.

The broken vacuum was collecting dust.

The experienced carpenter really nailed his job.

I asked my electrician if he could make a pun, he said 'ohm, that hertz'.

I'm currently learning sign language, it's very handy.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape, she told me she couldn't do them because lunges are a big step forward.

I used to work in a blanket factory, it was sew-sew.

I'm friends with a mathematician, he's always right.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough rye bread.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough multigrain.