My girlfriend said she wanted a diamond ring. I told her to start a jewelry store if she wants to see rocks.

I asked my husband if he ever fantasizes about me. He said, 'Yes, about you getting a raise.'

Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It couldn't handle the extra time.

I told my wife she should embrace her curves. She gave me a round of applause.

My boyfriend said he wanted to see other people. So I bought him a mirror.

Why did the plant break up with the flower? It was wilting under pressure.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.' So I bought her nothing.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a divorce.

I asked my wife what she wanted to watch. She said, 'You pick.' So I turned off the TV and we went to bed.

I told my wife she should be more affectionate. Now she's dating someone else.

Why couldn't the bicycle find its partner? Because it was two tired.

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse. She said, 'No way, I'm not playing doctor.'

I told my girlfriend she should be more positive. Now she's dating a proton.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner child. Now she's coloring on the walls.

Why is the gym a great place for a romantic date? Because you can spot each other.

I asked my girlfriend how many books she could read in a month. She said, 'I don't know, I'm not a librarian.'

I asked my wife to stop singing 'Wonderwall.' I said maybe...

Why did the calendar break up with the clock? It couldn't handle the hour differences.

Why did the music teacher break up with the conductor? They were never in the same key.

Why did the banker break up with the loan officer? They couldn't make a deposit in their relationship.

Why did the gardener break up with the florist? They couldn't see eye to stem.