I asked my wife if she ever wonders what life would be like without me. She said, 'Every single day.'

I asked my husband if he remembered what today was. He said, 'Of course, it's Taco Tuesday.'

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I always make jokes. I asked her, 'Is it because you can't handle punchlines?'

My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. So I got drunk.

I told my girlfriend she should do more yoga to find inner peace. Now she's dating her yoga instructor.

My husband asked me if I wanted to hear a joke about construction. I said, 'Sure.' He said, 'Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.'

I told my boyfriend I wanted a romantic getaway. So he took me to a McDonald's drive-thru.

Why did the bicycle fall over when it was in a relationship? It was two tired.

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of commitment? He's afraid of long division.

My boyfriend told me I should stop pretending to be a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. So I got drunk.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups. I even stood next to her and counted... well, I counted how many chocolate bars I could eat while she did them.

I told my husband to embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug and said, 'I love you, too.'

I told my girlfriend she should do squats to stay in shape. She said, 'That's a big butt of a joke.'

Why did the gym close down its relationship with the treadmill? It just wasn't working out.

My wife told me I don't listen well... or something like that.

Why did the musician break up with the farmer? They had a lot of beef.

Why did the pencil break up with the eraser? It just couldn't erase the past.

What did the cell phone say to the charger? You complete me.

I asked my wife if she ever talks to herself. She said, 'Yes, sometimes I need expert advice.'

Relationships are a lot like a deck of cards. You start with two hearts and a diamond, but by the end, you're looking for a club and a spade.