I told my computer I needed a break, it replied, 'Ctrl + Alt + Delete.'

I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life accidentally bumped into me at the grocery store.

I told my dentist my teeth are yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine clearly never tried chocolate.

I asked my dog what he's doing for the weekend. He said, 'I'm pawsitively busy.'

I told the gym instructor I wanted to work on my abs. He handed me a math book.

I told my cat to get a job. It replied, 'I'm feline pretty good about my current unemployment status.'

I love it when people ask me how I'm doing before I've had my morning coffee. It's like they enjoy living on the edge.

I'm not saying I'm bad with directions, but when my GPS says 'recalculating,' it sounds disappointed.

I don't need a therapist, I have Twitter for all my emotional outbursts.

I love when people say 'It's a small world.' No, it's actually quite big, you're just very short.

I'm at my best when I'm sleep deprived and my coffee is stronger than my will to live.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have my refrigerator to remind me of my fitness goals.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but if you're not doing it my way, you're wrong.

I'm not saying I hate my job, but if it were a person, I would politely ask it to leave the room.

I love when my neighbors play loud music late at night. It's like a free concert that I didn't even ask for!

I always make sure to take the scenic route to work because who doesn't love adding an extra 30 minutes to their commute?

I'm not a procrastinator, I'm just on a 20-year plan to finish my to-do list.

I love waiting in line so much, I often go to the post office just for fun.

I enjoy paying bills so much that I get excited when the mail arrives with that familiar envelope.

I never get tired of hearing the same jokes at family gatherings. It's like I'm trapped in my own personal comedy club.