I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life cashier chose me when I asked for a receipt.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers and toes for always being there when I need to count.

I told my wife she should embrace her decision-making skills. She got a really firm handshake.

I'm not saying I'm a bad cook, but last time I tried to make spaghetti, it turned into macaroni.

I told my computer I wanted to explore new horizons. It took me to Google Maps.

I tried to give my plants some TLC, but they're still not speaking to me.

I asked my therapist for advice on self-improvement. They suggested I stop going to therapy.

I told my vacuum it sucked at its job. It hasn't spoken to me since.

I don't always finish my sentences, but when I do...

I asked the chef at the sushi restaurant for a snack. He handed me a fish eye.

I told my phone I needed a break. It autocorrected to 'bread'. Now I'm on a gluten-free diet.

I tried to watch the sunrise, but it was a little too bright for me.

I told my car I wanted to take a road trip. It asked for directions.

I asked my bed for a good night's sleep. It replied, 'Sorry, I'm booked.'

I told my pencil I needed some space. It drew a circle around itself.

I tried to organize my thoughts, but they filed a lawsuit against me for discrimination.

I asked my dog if he wanted to go for a walk. He rolled his eyes and grabbed the leash.

I told my reflection I was having a bad hair day. It winked back at me.

I told my alarm clock I needed more time in the morning. It snoozed on me.

I tried to give my watch a compliment. It told me to watch it.

I asked my mirror for fashion advice. It reflected back a clown costume.