I wanted to make a video about puns, but I figured it wouldn't have much 'impact'.

I decided to become a stand-up comedian, but my jokes were too dry for the audience.

I got a speeding ticket while parked. Guess I need to slow down my relaxation time.

I thought about starting a bakery, but then I realized that kneaded dough isn't really my forté.

I asked the doctor where I should put my will. He said, 'Next to mine.'

I finally got rid of my winter fat. Now I have spring rolls.

I love being told to relax. It really stresses me out.

I wanted to buy a candle, but it was too high.

I asked my therapist for some advice. He said, 'Pay me first.'

Why run when you can walk, and why walk when you can sit? That's my motto.

I wasn't going to work out today, but then I remembered I have a Netflix subscription that I'm paying for.

Spending money on things I don't need is my way of staying financially stable.

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I make sure to do it really well.

Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me, I'll laugh at you.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner. She said 'I don't care'. So I ordered pizza.

I've decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just collecting dust anyway.

I always keep a bottle of salad dressing in my purse, in case of emergencies.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 AM. Luckily, I was up practicing my drum solo.

I love when someone tells me to 'just relax'. It's like saying 'don't think about polar bears'.

I asked the waiter for a quick joke. He pointed at the menu prices.

I finally figured out why I'm always tired - it's from all the sleeping.