I'm proud of my patience. It's like my superpower, except I still have to wait for everything.

Who needs social skills when you have the Internet? Oh wait...

I'm not saying I have trust issues, but I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but I have never been seen in the same room as Batman.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

I asked my computer for advice. It told me to 'Ctrl+Alt+Del' my problems.

Some people say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I told my wife she shouldn't worry, everything will be fine. She told me I don't know how to lie properly.

Sure, I'll try to be nicer. If you try to be smarter.

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms in school. It has really come in handy paralleling my car into a tight spot.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I told my therapist about my decision to avoid stress. She laughed for 10 minutes straight.

I bought a map of the world but it wasn't to scale. I guess I'll have to return it and demand a smaller one.

My doctor told me to take my time with things. So naturally, I stopped going to appointments.

I tried to write a joke about construction, but I couldn't build up to it.

I decided to embrace my inner child, but turns out he's just as sarcastic as I am.

I recently started a band called 1023MB. We haven't gotten a gig yet.

I tried to organize a hide and seek competition, but it looks like no one wanted to play.

My friend said he was going to make me a belt made out of watches. I'll believe it when I see it.

I signed up for a marathon but ended up binging Netflix instead.

I asked my plants if they needed a vacation. They didn't respond, so I took that as a yes.