I find it really refreshing when someone interrupts me every time I try to speak. It's like they can read my mind and know exactly what I was going to say.

I love when my phone dies right in the middle of an important conversation. It's like a built-in excuse to hang up.

I always cherish those moments when I'm stuck in traffic. There's nothing like sitting still for an hour to really make you appreciate the little things in life.

I'm so grateful for those days when everything seems to go wrong. It really builds character, right?

I never get tired of people telling me how to live my life. I mean, who doesn't love free advice from someone who has it all figured out?

I love it when I accidentally hit 'reply all' on an email. It's like I'm giving everyone a little extra something to brighten their day.

I'm sorry for being late. I got caught up in the fascinating world of staring at walls.

I don't always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I'm probably at work.

I love when people say 'do what you love.' So I nap, eat, and binge-watch Netflix.

I'm not a procrastinator, I'm just extremely productive at doing nothing.

I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas than everyone else.

I love when strangers tell me to 'smile.' It's not like I have resting miserable face or anything.

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I have a blanket that will protect me from negativity. It's called my comforter.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but I did it.

My bank called to ask me to confirm some suspicious activity. I said 'yes, it's my spending.'

I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.

I have a black belt in sarcasm. It's purple with green polka dots.

I'm not a smart aleck, I'm a skilled troubleshooter.