I love the sound of my own voice, which is why I never listen to anyone else.

I told my therapist I have a fear of the unknown. He said 'I don't know how to help you with that.'

I have a photographic memory, but the lens cap is always on.

I love when my phone autocorrects to 'ducking'. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant.

I told my computer I needed a break. It suggested I go outside and touch some grass. Rude.

I'm not saying I hate meetings, but if we could replace them with staring contests, I'd be winning.

I always strive to be the person my dog thinks I am...lazy and in need of constant naps.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about exercising, I'd be able to afford a personal trainer to do it for me.

I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but I do have the ability to make food disappear within seconds.

I don't always take naps, but when I do, it's right before a deadline.

I wish I had a dollar for every time my phone autocorrected to a word I'd never use in real life. I'd be rich, swear!

I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but let's just say I've never had to worry about running out of things to do tomorrow.

If ignorance is bliss, I'm pretty sure my coworker is the happiest person alive.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I am pretty close to it.

Oh, you think you're funny? Please, tell me more jokes.

I love when people point out the obvious, like yes, I am aware I have a face.

If sarcasm burned calories, I'd be a supermodel by now.

I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but I've never seen Batman and me in the same room.

I don't need a gym membership, my fridge is my personal trainer.

I don't always take naps, but when I do, it's usually in the middle of something important.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did just figure out how to microwave popcorn without burning it.