I told my son he needs to study more. He said, 'Mom, I'm studying you.'

I asked the magician how he saws a woman in half. He said, 'Very carefully.'

I told my wife I'm taking up acting classes. She said, 'Don't quit your day job.'

I asked the chef for his secret ingredient in the soup. He said, 'I can't tell you, it's a family recipe.'

I told my wife I'm trying to cut down on sugar. She said, 'Don't worry, you're sweet enough.'

I asked my wife if she wants to hear a construction joke. She said, 'Sure, I'm still building up to something.'

I asked my friend how he broke his leg. He said, 'I don't know, it's a mystery.'

I tried to lose weight by drinking diet soda. It didn't work, I kept getting stuck in the vending machine.

I told my mechanic my car is making a strange noise. He said, 'It's probably the radio.'

I asked my wife what's for dinner. She said, 'Food, again.'

I told my wife I'm learning how to juggle. She said, 'Great, you can finally balance our checkbook.'

I asked the doctor for some good news. He said, 'You've got a great head on your shoulders.'

I tried to teach my dog new tricks, but he said, 'I'm already fetching your slippers, what more do you want?'

I told my wife I bought a new watch. She said, 'That's about time.'

I asked the bank teller if they have 'anything smaller'. She handed me a mirror.

I told my wife I'm going to be a stand-up comedian. She said, 'You should sit down for this.'

I asked my wife how much her purse cost. She said, 'More than it should.'

I love when my alarm clock goes off in the morning. It's my favorite song.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

I told my computer I needed a break, so now it plays solitaire without me.

I love when my phone autocorrects to 'ducking.' It's always spot-on.