I told my boss I had a 'work from bed' day. He didn't find it as amusing as I did.

I offered to give my friend a walk-through of my house. He declined, saying he'd rather stumble around blindly.

I always keep a positive attitude, even when my battery is at 1%.

I told my dentist I wanted a 'filling' meal. He didn't appreciate the pun while drilling into my tooth.

My doctor told me I should watch what I eat. So now I stare at my food before consuming it.

I told my wife I wanted to start a band called '1023MB'. She didn't understand the irony.

I proposed to my girlfriend by saying, 'Let's make a serious commitment... to split the bills.' She still said yes.

I replaced my bed with a trampoline. Now every morning is a bouncing start to the day.

I love telling dad jokes... mainly because I have kids and need to embarrass them somehow.

I told my friend I'm trying to see things from his perspective. He said it's a great view from up on his high horse.

My neighbor asked if I could water his plants while he's away. I poured some coffee on them to wake them up.

I joined a group for people who love the sound of their own voice. We meet every night... by ourselves.

I told my therapist I have an irrational fear of speed bumps. He told me to 'slow down'.

I told my neighbor I'm a great cook. He said, 'Oh, is that why your smoke alarm sings every night?'

I asked the flight attendant for extra peanuts. She said, 'We're all out, but we have plenty of pretzels.'

I told my friend I'm trying to be more positive. She said, 'That's good, maybe you'll stop being such a downer all the time.'

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I just ironed my socks.

I don't need a hairstylist, my bedhead does the job just fine.

I love buying new socks, it's like having a fresh start every morning.

I told my boss I have a flexible schedule. He said, 'Great, you can work from home on weekends.'

I love going to the gym – it really builds up my appetite.