I asked my friend for some water. He gave me H2O. I asked for more, he gave me H2O, too. I guess he thought I needed more oxygen.

I have a belt that holds up my pants really well. It's a waist of space.

I told my therapist about my addiction to break fluid. He told me he could stop whenever he wanted.

I asked the shopkeeper if they sold any cameras. He said, 'No, we only take cash.'

I love the sound of my alarm clock... said no one ever.

I finally realized why I'm always tired. It's because I never have enough time to do nothing.

I told my therapist about my decision-making skills. She asked me for a second opinion.

People say I'm too negative. That's just impossible.

I asked my friend to help me with my math homework. He said no problem, it adds up.

My autobiography is just a list of things I never finished.

I told my computer I needed a break. It logged me off.

I like to avoid cliches like the plague.

I joined the orchestra, but quit because I couldn't find the right note.

I always give 110%. 10% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday, and so on.

People tell me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I'm really good at procrastinating. I'll tell you more about it tomorrow.

I told my boss I have a great sense of humor. He didn't laugh.

I love it when people ask for my opinion and then do the opposite. It's truly inspiring.

I have a photographic memory, but I forgot to develop it.

I love when people tell me to 'stay calm.' It's not like I was planning on losing my mind.

I asked my bank for a loan to buy a sandwich. They asked for collateral. I gave them a pickle.