I told my computer to stop singing. It had too many 'windows'.

My wife said she needed more space. So I deleted all her selfies.

I went to a pop-up restaurant, but it didn't serve food. Just ads.

I told my wife I need more space. So she locked me out of the house.

I keep telling dad jokes, but none of my kids are laughing. Maybe they're not my children after all.

My wife told me I need to be more spontaneous. So I unplugged the microwave.

I bought a thesaurus the other day. It's terrible. Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.

I told my computer to stop singing, but it just kept switching to auto-tune.

I told my wife she should try reverse psychology. Or maybe nevermind, she probably wouldn't get it.

I don't need a hairstylist, I wake up looking fabulous every morning.

I'm not lazy, I'm just saving my energy for something important.

I could give up shopping, but I'm not a quitter.

I'm not a morning person, but I'm also not a morning person.

I don't need a personal trainer, I get plenty of exercise dodging responsibilities.

I don't need a GPS, I'll get lost on purpose just for the adventure.

I don't believe in horoscopes, I prefer to make my own bad decisions.

I'm allergic to mornings, that's why I have trouble waking up.

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I make sure to do it properly.

I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm just allergic to long-term plans.

I don't need an excuse to be fabulous, I just am.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just testing the durability of the floor.