Thank you for showing up late to our meeting. I had nothing else to do with my time.

Oh, you're going camping? I hope you enjoy paying to live like a homeless person for a weekend.

Sure, I'd love to listen to the same story you've told me five times already.

I love spending hours on hold just to be told my call is very important to them.

Wow, you posted another selfie. Thank you for keeping us all updated on what you look like.

Of course I want to hear about your dream from last night. It sounds fascinating.

Nothing makes me happier than waiting in a long line just for the privilege of spending my money.

I always look forward to getting stuck behind the slowest driver on the road.

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

I asked my doctor if he could help me stop my procrastination habit. He said, 'I'll get back to you on that.'

I told my boss I have a great work ethic. He said, 'Prove it by working less.'

I told my wife she should embrace her flaws. She gave me a high-five.

I tried to be a stand-up comedian, but I kept sitting down.

I was going to tell a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

I started a new business selling glasses for crying. I'm making a spectacle of myself.

I told my wife she should sharpen her cooking skills. She gave me a knife.

I'm not saying my boss is incompetent, but our company mascot is a clown.

My doctor said I need to watch my sugar intake. So I'm switching to savory desserts.

I love it when people say 'calm down' during an argument. It's like adding fuel to the fire.

I used to be good at math until they decided to mix in the alphabet.

I always keep a positive attitude in life. Negative vibes are not in my blood type.