My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, 'I know, right?'

I told my boss I have a fear of work. He told me to 'get to work on it.'

I love when people say 'smartphone,' like my phone finished college.

My favorite exercise is a mix between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.

I asked my dog what his favorite Beatles song is. He said, 'Howl together now.'

I only drink on two occasions: when it's my birthday and when it's not.

I asked my friend how his trip to Chernobyl was. He said it was glowingly good.

I told my computer I needed a break. It said 'navigate to beach.com'.

I told my friend I'm reading a book on the history of glue. He said, 'That sounds binding.'

I'm starting a new diet where I only eat foods that rhyme with my name. So, I'll be having a lot of cookies.

I went to a reunion of people who have short-term memory loss. Or as I like to call it, déjà vu.

I told my friend I'm emotionally constipated. He said, 'That's a hard pill to swallow.'

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She said, 'You're pasta point of no return.'

I'm not saying I'm paranoid, but I double-check my refrigerator is closed every night.

I tried to write a joke about time travel, but it just wasn't funny in any era.

I asked my cat why he knocked over a vase. He said, 'It was purrfectly placed.'

I told my barista I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter. She said, 'So, like your soul?'

I told the cashier I'm bad at math. He said, 'That'll be $19.75.'

I told my friend I'm a space enthusiast. He said, 'You must be over the moon.'

I told my doctor I'm addicted to Twitter. He said, 'Sorry, I don't follow.'

I told my wife she should try and find her inner child. She's been searching for hours.