I'm not saying I'm a hypochondriac, but I once googled 'how to cure hypochondria' and now I think I have it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not the best backup plan either.

I'm not saying I have trust issues, but I have a hard time believing those 'You have won a free iPhone' pop-ups.

I'm not saying I'm a perfectionist, but I alphabetize my spice rack.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She replied, 'I'll start by marrying you.'

I'm not saying I'm an expert, but I once solved a Rubik's Cube by peeling off the stickers.

I'm not saying I'm a chef, but I've been known to burn water.

I'm not saying I'm bored, but I just watched a documentary on 'How Paperclips Are Made.'

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 and move on.

I'm not saying I'm a hypochondriac, but the other day I stubbed my toe and already had my funeral planned.

I'm not saying I'm bad at math, but I once tried to calculate how much sleep I've lost due to overthinking.

If at first you don't succeed, you probably shouldn't try skydiving.

I'm not saying I'm good at parties, but last time I brought a veggie tray and went home with it too.

I'm not saying I talk to myself, but let's be honest, sometimes I need expert advice.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I've already forgotten what I was going to say.

I don't need a vacation, my daily commute gives me all the relaxation I need.

I'm not saying I'm a hoarder, but I do have a sentimental attachment to empty boxes.

I don't have a fear of heights, I just prefer to stay close to the ground at all times.

I'm not saying I'm a professional procrastinator, but I've scheduled it in for later.

I don't need a therapist, I have a mirror that judges me every morning.

I don't have a problem with authority, I just have a strong disagreement with being told what to do.