I'm not saying I'm bad at math, but I could never figure out why 2+2 didn't equal 22.

I don't need a life coach, I have Google to tell me what to do.

I'm not saying I'm clumsy, but my floor is on a first-name basis with my face.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did watch a whole season of Jeopardy in one sitting.

My doctor told me I need to start watching what I eat. So now I watch my fridge with binoculars.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but my socks never match.

I don't need a fitness tracker, my phone judges my lack of steps just fine.

I'm not saying I'm a picky eater, but my favorite flavor is 'no thanks'.

I don't believe in writer's block, I just like to call it 'creatively constipated'.

I'm not saying I'm high-maintenance, but my plants require a therapist.

I don't have a sweet tooth, I have sweet teeth.

I'm not saying I'm a great cook, but my smoke alarm is my biggest fan.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have enough self-doubt to motivate myself.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but I haven't met a remote I didn't want to grab first.

I don't have a fear of commitment, I just prefer to keep my options open indefinitely.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

I'm not arguing with you, I'm just explaining why you're wrong.

I could tell you a joke about chemistry, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

I'm not a baker, but I can definitely give you a recipe for disaster.

I don't need a GPS, I always find my way back to the fridge.

I'm not afraid of commitment, I'm just terrified of actually committing.