My therapist said I have a fear of failure. I think he failed to understand me.

I finally found the key to success. It's under the doormat.

People say laughter is the best medicine. Obviously, they've never tried medicine.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I can't decide.

I thought about losing weight, but I don't like losing.

I'm great at multitasking. I can procrastinate and waste time at the same time.

I'm not a control freak. It's just that everything around me is out of control.

I'm sorry for the things I said when it was winter.

I asked my therapist if he can cure my procrastination. He said, 'Wait.'

I love being told to relax. It immediately puts me on edge.

I told my computer I wanted a break, so it froze.

I love when people reply 'K' to my long, heartfelt messages. It really shows they care.

I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but I'm still working on my New Year's resolutions from 2015.

If at first you don't succeed, then try doing it the way your wife told you to.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I could write a book on all the things I've forgotten.

I asked my doctor for a second opinion and he said, 'You're ugly too.'

I'm not saying my house is messy, but I consider dust bunnies a form of interior decorating.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Also, maybe try something less dangerous like breathing.

I'm not saying I'm bad at cooking, but my smoke alarm is my biggest fan.

If you can't say something nice, say it sarcastically.

I'm not saying I'm a pessimist, but I always see the glass as half-empty... and leaking.