I tried to save money by cooking at home, but then I realized I have to buy groceries.

I asked the salesperson if this shirt is wrinkle-free. She said, 'As long as you never wear it.'

I told my friend I'm going to start a diet tomorrow. He said, 'You mean like every Monday?'

I love Mondays, said no one ever.

I told my friend I'm really into hiking. He said, 'You mean walking with attitude?'

I told my mom I'm an adult now. She said, 'Oh really? Does that mean you know how to do laundry?'

I love going to the dentist, it's like a mini vacation for my toothbrush.

I asked the waiter if the salad comes with bacon. He said, 'No, but you can add it for an extra charge.'

I told my coworker I'm a morning person. She said, 'That explains why you're always so grumpy.'

I told my cat he's in charge of catching the mice in the house. He gave me a look that said, 'You're kidding, right?'

I asked the bartender for a virgin cocktail. He said, 'We only serve drinks here.'

I told my friend I'm a great multitasker. She said, 'Oh really? Name one thing you did while we're talking.'

I love driving in rush hour traffic, it's like a forced meditation session.

I told my dentist I floss regularly. He said, 'That's funny, your gums don't agree.'

I told my friend I'm really good at chess. She said, 'Oh, is that why you always lose?'

I asked the mail carrier if he had any good jokes. He said, 'Just read your bills, those are always funny.'

I told my yoga instructor I'm very flexible. She said, 'That's great, because we'll need that to work on your balance.'

I love wearing sunglasses indoors, it really sets the mood for my invisible celebrity status.

I asked my computer to help me with my math homework. It gave me a virus.

I'm not saying my boss is stupid, but whenever I ask him a question, he responds with 'That's a great question!'

I tried to take a selfie, but my camera said 'Memory full. Delete some of your other selfies.'