I once knew a baker who couldn't make ends meet. Now he's a millionaire.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.

I asked the gym instructor what equipment I should use to burn calories. He said 'a fork.'

I told my computer I needed a break. It wasn't too happy with 'ctrl alt delete.'

I told my therapist that I have a fear of speed bumps. He told me to slow down.

My son told me he wants to be a stand-up comedian. I told him to sit down, he's not ready yet.

I told the bartender to make me a 'Confidence on the Rocks'. He poured me a glass of water.

I'm so lazy, I have a bookmark in every room of the house... just in case.

I asked my wife if I could have a little space. She said, 'Sure, the garage is all yours.'

I tried to be a vegetarian, but it was a missed steak.

I told my boss I needed a pay raise because my plants are expensive to maintain. He didn't find it amusing.

I told my dog he's not a good guard dog. He agreed and said, 'That's why I have you.'

I tried to buy happiness online, but it was out of stock.

I named my phone 'Titanic'. It's always syncing.

I told my boss I have a great work-life balance... mainly because I do all my work in bed.

I asked my cat if he wanted to go on a walk. He simply replied, 'Meowt'.

I tried to become a baker, but I couldn't handle the pressure...or the flour.

I told my friend I like to keep my options open. He said I need to close a few tabs.

I told my boss that every time I get a raise, I donate some of it to charity... The 'Treat Yo'self' charity.

I asked the shoe repair guy to fix my broken heart. He said that's beyond his sole expertise.

I told my wife I want to be a millionaire. She reminded me I spend most of my time making jokes instead of money.