I'm not indecisive, unless you count when I can't decide if I want to be indecisive or not.

I'm not a doctor, but I do have a PHD in procrastination.

I love eating healthy...until someone suggests it for dinner.

People who avoid eye contact have very high levels of imagination.

I told my doctor I'm allergic to exercise. He said, 'You're in luck, it's not contagious.'

I tried to learn how to French kiss. Turns out, they don't appreciate teaching in English.

I told the bartender I'm cutting back on alcohol. He said, 'Don't worry, I'll pour you a smaller glass.'

I asked the weatherman if he can make it sunny tomorrow. He said, 'I'll see what I can cloud.'

Life is like a box of chocolates - it's overpriced and the good ones are always taken.

I told my computer I needed a break, it replied, 'Don't worry, I Ctrl+Alt+Del you every day.'

I asked the waiter for a quick breakfast recommendation. He said, 'Fast.'

I told the gym instructor I wanted to get in shape. He said, 'You already are - a circle.'

I asked my wife how many books she's read this week. She said, 'I don't know, I'm not a librarian.'

I tried to learn sign language, but I just can't seem to pick up the accent.

I told my wife I'm going to make a movie about clocks. She said, 'It's about time!'

I told my boss I need a raise. He said, 'Just pretend you're on a roller coaster.'

I told the baker my cake was a little dry. He said, 'Next time, add water.'

I told my wife I want to start horseback riding. She said, 'Neigh.'

I tried counting sheep to fall asleep, but they kept changing into goats.

I told my therapist I feel like a small ant in a big world. She said, 'Okay, your next session is in the ant farm.'

I asked the bartender for something cold and full of ice. He gave me a glass of water.