I don't believe in bad luck, but I do believe in bad attitude.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said 'be yourself', I could retire by now.

I love when people say 'sleep is for the weak'. Yeah, weakness sounds great right about now.

I'm not messy, I'm just creatively organized.

I like my coffee like I like my humor - dark and bitter.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my childhood memories are on black and white film.

I asked my boss for a raise, he gave me a head start on finding a new job.

I love when my phone autocorrects my typos, it's like having a personal editor.

I'm so good at multitasking, I can be late for two things at once.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm pretty close to it...in a parallel universe.

I love my job so much, I wish I could do it every day...wait a minute.

I was homeschooled...which means my mom was the only one who knew I cheated on tests.

I'm not a complete idiot...some parts are missing.

I was going to quit all my bad habits, but then I remembered nobody likes a quitter.

I'm not a morning person...or an afternoon person, or an evening person, really.

I asked the gym instructor for help on how to use the treadmill...he told me to run.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right...which is actually just a form of arguing, now that I think about it.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have my fridge to motivate me every time I open it.

I don't trust stairs...they're always up to something.

I always give 100% at work...12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, and 5% Friday.

I consider myself a skilled multitasker...I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.