I asked the shopkeeper if they had anything to cure my fear of speed bumps. He said, 'Sure, but it'll slow you down.'

I asked the waiter for water without ice. He brought water with ice and said, 'The ice is just to keep it cold.' Thank you, I would have been very confused.

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek competition, but it was a complete failure. Good thing no one showed up.

I told my computer I wanted a balanced diet. Now it won't stop sending me ads for scales.

My wife asked me to put the cat out. I said, 'I didn't know it was on fire.'

I always keep a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that number be even?

I asked my friend if he had any spare change. He said, 'Yeah, what do you need to change?'

My coworker asked if I wanted to grab lunch. I said, 'Sure, as long as it's not with you.'

I love when people say 'I'll sleep when I'm dead.' So, never then?

My bank called me to verify some unusual activity on my account. I assured them it was just my attempt at saving money.

I told my friend I have a great poker face. They said, 'You mean the one where you cry when you lose?'

I asked my dog if he wanted to go for a walk. He replied, 'Why walk when you can just carry me?'

I told my parents I'm going to follow my dreams. They said, 'Great, just remember to pay your own bills.'

I love when people say 'sleep is for the weak.' Ah, the mantra of the perpetually tired.

I told my boss I have a great work-life balance. He laughed and asked if I meant I do some work while watching Netflix.

I love it when strangers give me unsolicited advice. It's like my favorite hobby: pretending to care.

I try to live every day like it's my last. Yesterday, I binge-watched Netflix and ate ice cream. So far, so good.

My friend asked me if I wanted to go on a double date. I said, 'Sure, as long as both of my personalities can come.'

Someone told me I have a way with words. I replied, 'Yes, I can say words.'

I asked my mechanic if he could fix my brakes. He said, 'I can, but have you considered just not driving?'