I told my wife I'm starting a new diet. She said, 'Is it the one where you eat all the junk food you want?'

I told my doctor I think I'm allergic to mornings. He said, 'Oh, you must be allergic to responsibilities too.'

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's been with. She said, 'Yes, the others were all napping.'

I told my friend I have a fear of speed bumps. He said, 'That's irrational.' I said, 'Yeah, but it's how I roll.'

I told my wife I'm going to start working out. She said, 'You've been working out your excuses for years.'

I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do, my kids roll their eyes so hard I worry they'll get stuck.

I told my wife I'm going to start a gardening business. She said, 'Oh, are you finally going to mow the lawn?'

I don't always hold grudges, but when I do, it's usually about something petty like not getting the last slice of pizza.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but when it comes to making a decision, I flip a coin. Not to choose, just to see whether I actually care about the outcome.

I told my boss I have a flexible work schedule. He said, 'Great, you can come in on Saturday.'

I told my wife I have a photographic memory. She asked me to prove it, so I showed her all the photos on my phone.

My wife said she wants a new kitchen for her birthday. I told her she already has one, it's just hidden under all the dirty dishes.

I don't always drink water, but when I do, it's because I just ate something spicy.

I don't always understand sarcasm, but when I do, it's because my wife is being especially sarcastic.

I told my friend I have a fear of speed bumps. He told me I need to get over it.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I went to look for my phone while talking on it.

I told my wife I never listen to her. At least, I think that's what she said.

I love when people say 'It's always in the last place you look.' As if I'm going to keep searching after I found it.

My friend said I'm too old to still be playing video games. I said, 'You're never too old to press buttons.'

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk, I have this weird AXE scent.

I told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She looked concerned until I told her it would drive her pasta.