I asked my therapist if I should see a specialist. She said, 'That would be a specialist opinion.'

I tried to take up yoga, but then I realized I can't even touch my toes without grunting.

I asked my boss for a promotion. He said, 'Absolutely, when hell freezes over.'

I asked my doctor if I should incorporate more vegetables into my diet. He said, 'I don't carrot all.'

My wife told me I need to be more affectionate. So now I wave every time I pass by our house.

I asked the doctor if he had anything for a headache. He said, 'Sure, here's your bill.'

I asked my bank for a high-interest account. They said, 'Sure, here's our rooftop garden.'

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek championship, but it was a total disaster. Good luck finding the trophy.

I asked my computer if it can sing. It said, 'I can do Reboots.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of the unknown. She said, 'Welcome to the club.'

My friend told me I should go for a run. I said, 'I already run out of patience, does that count?'

I tried to write a funny joke about construction, but I couldn't build up to it.

I asked my dog if he wanted to hear a joke. He said, 'Sure, as long as it's not a shaggy dog story.'

My boss asked me if I could multitask. I said, 'I can do five things at once: nothing.'

I told my wife she should become a baker since she loves baking. She said, 'I knead to rise to the occasion.'

My wife said I never take her anywhere expensive. So I took her to the gas station.

I don't always finish projects, but when I do, they're usually the ones I should have abandoned.

I told my wife I have a new hobby. She asked what it was, and I said, 'Avoiding responsibilities.'

I tried to take a selfie, but it didn't pan out.

I told my boss I need a day off to de-stress. He told me to come back when I figure out how to do that.

I don't always talk to myself, but when I do, I make sure it's in public so people know I'm not crazy.