My psychiatrist told me I have multiple personalities. I was shocked - should've seen the look on my face.

I've been told I have the body of a god. Unfortunately, that god is Buddha.

I always carry a knife in my pocket. You know, in case of cheesecake or something.

I'm currently unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep. *beep*

I don't need anger management. You just need to stop irritating me.

I could tell you a joke about construction, but I'm still building up to it.

I went to a petting zoo and tried to pet the goats, but they wouldn't let me. Turns out they were really baaahd.

I don't always give 100%, but when I do, I'm checking my phone at the same time.

I asked my friends if I should get a tattoo of my wife's name. They said I should start with a temporary one just to test the waters.

I'm not saying I'm a hero, but I did return a pen I borrowed once.

If you can't convince them, confuse them. That's my life motto.

I tried to lose weight, but it always finds me.

I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me. Then it promptly returned me because I wasn't cool enough.

I told my therapist I have trouble opening up. She said, 'That's the door you walked through, genius.'

I asked my parents for a car for my birthday. They gave me a cardboard box and told me it's a convertible.

I don't always get lost, but when I do, it's usually in my thoughts.

I thought I had a bright idea, but it turned out to be a dim bulb.

I tried to play hide and seek with my problems. Turns out they're better at the game than I am.

I don't always take naps, but when I do, it's accidentally for 6 hours.

I asked my doctor about my memory loss. He told me to pay in advance.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on social skills. She told me to try the fiction section.