I'm not antisocial, I'm just selectively social.

I'm really good at giving advice; just not at following it.

I love when coworkers use 'reply all' to thank someone for bringing in donuts.

I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a flash drive... somewhere.

Why put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether?

I always like to give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I'm going to blame you.

I didn't choose the thug life; the thug life chose me. Said no one ever.

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

I don't suffer from stress; I'm a carrier.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I asked for a nice day, not the apocalypse.

I strive to be the person my dog thinks I am.

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

Oh, you have a to-do list? I have a 'to-don't' list, and it's much more productive.

Why make small talk when we can make no talk at all?

I love how people say 'follow your dreams' like they're waiting for me with open arms and a 6-figure salary.

If at first you don't succeed, maybe skydiving isn't for you.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I'm not not saying it either.

You know you're getting old when your back goes out more than you do.