I love when people tell me to 'have a nice day.' Like, thanks for the suggestion.

I'm not a complete failure, I'm just exceptionally challenged in the success department.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my IQ is probably higher than my age.

I'm not one to brag, but I've been practicing humility since before I was born.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying I'm never wrong.

I'm not a complete idiot, there are still some parts missing.

I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but have you ever seen us in the same room together?

I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving energy.

I'm not saying I have a big ego, but my aura needs its own zip code.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but maybe I am...or maybe not.

I'm not saying I'm sarcastic, but yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my own happiness.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but let's just say I have my moments.

I'm not saying I'm always right, but I'm also not saying I'm ever wrong.

I asked the gym instructor what exercise I could do to burn the most calories. He replied, 'Pushing away your plate.'

I bought a thesaurus and when I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.

I've been avoiding all the booze for weeks now. Not the best diet, but I'm not dropping out of my 2021 new year resolution yet.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it at least five or six times, just to be sure.