I'm not saying I'm skeptical, but if someone told me the sky was blue, I'd probably ask for a second opinion.

I'm not saying I'm a night owl, but if daylight savings could happen every month, I'd be all for it.

I'm not saying I'm a master chef, but I can make a mean reservation.

I'm not saying I'm a neat freak, but if you ever need something organized, just give me a call.

I'm not saying I'm a know-it-all, but I have been known to Google a fact or two.

I'm not saying I'm a technophobe, but the only thing I know how to reset is my alarm clock.

I love it when my alarm clock wakes me up from a really good dream.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I'm not procrastinating, I'm strategically waiting for the last minute.

I'm not a chef, but I can make a mean reservation.

I'm not a dentist, but I can still give you a good flossing.

I'm not saying I have a sweet tooth, but I could probably live off of sugar for the rest of my life.

Wow, this traffic jam is exactly what I needed to make my day complete.

I'm not saying I have a short attention span, oh look, a squirrel!

I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but I still haven't started yesterday's to-do list.

Wow, congratulations on being the 1000th person to tell me that joke today.

Oh, another email chain that could have been an actual conversation? How thrilling.

I love it when the elevator door opens right as I'm about to push the button, it's like it knows I'm lazy.

I'm not a control freak, I just know what's best for everyone.

I'm not a procrastinator, I'm just extremely efficient at doing things last minute.

I'm not a chef, I just know how to burn water.