I don't need a hairstylist, I need a magician.

Exercise? Oh, I thought you said 'extra fries.'

My life is like a romantic comedy, except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

I love when my phone autocorrects my swear words. Ducking hilarious.

I love when people say 'age is just a number' until I ask for their bank account.

I changed my password to 'incorrect.' Now when I forget it, my computer will say 'your password is incorrect.'

I asked the cashier if they accept imaginary money. They said, 'Sure, as long as it's real.'

Working hard or hardly working? Either way, I'm getting paid the same.

I love how my phone's facial recognition doesn't recognize me when I wake up in the morning.

When someone says 'expect the unexpected,' I wonder if they expected that.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in the way.

Sometimes I question my sanity. Then the unicorn in the room tells me I'm fine.

I may be indecisive, but I'm not really sure.

I'm currently fighting my addiction to procrastination. I'll start tomorrow.

I love when people ask for my opinion and then proceed to tell me why I'm wrong.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 am. Can you believe that? 2 am! Lucky for him, I was up playing the drums.

I really need to work on my time management skills. Maybe next week.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I can't even commit to that statement.

I have a photographic memory, but I keep losing the negatives.

My doctor told me I'm a hypochondriac. He's obviously never dealt with my Google search history.