When life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat your lemons.

I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, and 4% Friday.

If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the beginning.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I'm not a snob, I'm just better than you.

I'm not random, I just have many thoughts at once.

I'm not arguing, I'm just discussing why I'm right.

My wife asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' by Oasis. I said maybe...

I would tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

I asked the gym instructor for help to do a split. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

People who take care of chickens are literal chicken tenders.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

I'm writing a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but I can give you a list of reasons why I haven't started yet.

I'm not saying I'm a picky eater, but I do have a very strong preference for food that tastes good.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but if you give me a minute, I might change my mind.

I'm not saying I'm bad at telling jokes, but I can never seem to find the punchline.

I'm not saying I'm bad with money, but my savings account is more like a wishful thinking account.

I'm not saying I'm forgetful, but I do have a talent for remembering things at the last minute.

I'm not saying I'm terrible at directions, but let's just say GPS was invented for people like me.