I love standing in long lines. It really gives me a chance to reflect on my life choices.

I never pay attention to expiration dates. I like to live life on the edge.

I never finish anything I start. It's a talent, really.

I always make sure to read the terms and conditions before clicking 'I agree.' Just kidding, who has time for that?

I always appreciate it when someone reminds me that I'm running late. It's not like I have a clock or anything.

I enjoy saying 'no offense' right before I say something offensive. It's my little way of being polite.

I love getting into political discussions with strangers. It's a great way to make friends.

I never bother to turn off my car's check engine light. It adds a bit of excitement to my life.

I'm not judging you, I'm just silently appraising your life choices.

I'm not a chef, but I can microwave like a pro.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my time wisely.

I'm not a morning person, I'm a not-enough-sleep person.

I don't have a Fitbit. If I want to count my steps, I just put on a squeaky shoe.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

When I see a masked man entering a bank, I don't know if he's a robber or just a responsible citizen.

I'm reading a book on reverse psychology. You should totally skip it.

I'm not saying I'm a social media influencer, but my cat has more followers than me on Instagram.

I'm not saying I'm a DIY enthusiast, but I once fixed a leaky faucet by turning it off and on again.

I'm not saying I'm a psychic, but I knew I was going to wear sweatpants today.

I'm not saying I'm a culinary genius, but I can microwave a frozen dinner like nobody's business.

I'm not saying I'm a fashionista, but my wardrobe is a mix of 'laundry day chic' and 'I give up'.