I don't always read the news, but when I do, it's usually just the headlines and the comments section for entertainment.

I'm not saying I'm a social butterfly, but I once went an entire weekend without talking to anyone.

I don't need a personal assistant, I have a Post-it note on my fridge reminding me to buy more Post-it notes.

I'm not saying I have a green thumb, but I once kept a cactus alive for an entire month.

I don't always listen to podcasts, but when I do, it's usually while doing something else and only catching every other word.

I'm not saying I'm a great driver, but I once parallel parked on the first try and no one was around to witness it.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I do find it suspicious that every time I lose a sock in the laundry, I also gain an extra Tupperware lid.

I'm not saying I have trust issues, but I once took a lie detector test just to make sure it wasn't lying to me.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to assemble IKEA furniture without looking at the instructions.

I don't always follow trends, but when I do, they're usually out of style.

I'm not saying I'm a DIY expert, but I once fixed a leaky faucet with duct tape and it held for a week.

I don't believe in fate, but I do believe that every time I wear white pants, I spill something on them.

I'm not saying I'm a great cook, but I can make a mean bowl of cereal.

I'm not saying I'm a hoarder, but I have a drawer full of charging cables for devices I no longer own.

I don't always take risks, but when I do, it's usually by clicking 'I agree' without reading the terms and conditions.

I'm not saying I'm an expert in relationships, but I once went on a date that didn't end in disaster.

I don't need a therapist, I have a stack of unread self-help books that I'm sure will fix all my problems.

I'm not saying I'm a master of time management, but I can procrastinate for hours without even realizing it.

I'm not saying I'm a movie critic, but I can always predict when a film is going to be terrible just by watching the trailer.

I don't always check the weather forecast, but when I do, it's already raining outside.

I'm not saying I'm a deep thinker, but I once spent an entire day contemplating the meaning of life while binge-watching Netflix.