I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed.

My friend got a new job as a scarecrow. He's outstanding in his field.

I finally found the light at the end of the tunnel. Turns out it was just a flashlight.

I stopped trusting stairs. They're always up to something.

My new job at the bakery is a piece of cake.

I don't have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

My horse's name is Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs.

I asked the gym if they had a machine that turns chocolate into muscle... they said it's called a blender.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did take a nap in college and woke up with a degree.

My superpower is making every room I enter 10 degrees cooler.

I'm not hating on your selfies, I'm just impressed at how you manage to be both photographer and model for the same terrible picture.

I'm really good at waiting... it's the actual doing stuff part that I struggle with.

I love when people say 'I'm not judging,' like okay, pack it up Karen, we all know you're judging.

I finally realized that dieting is not for me... I keep running out of fridge magnets to put my inspirational quotes on.

I didn't choose the thug life. The thug life crawled out of bed after hitting snooze 3 times.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but... well, I'm indecisive.

My patience level is lower than the battery life on my phone.

Life is short... especially when you accidentally hit 'slide to unlock' on a banana.

Just once, I'd like to see a news headline that says something like 'Nothing Bad Happens Today'.

My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding anymore.