I'm not addicted to my phone, I'm just in a committed relationship with technology.

I'm not saying I'm a mind reader, but I do have a knack for predicting when the wifi will randomly disconnect.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but I have worn the same hoodie for three days straight and no one has said anything.

I'm not a pessimist, I'm just preparing for the worst and hoping for a mediocre outcome.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did once microwave a frozen pizza without burning it.

I'm not antisocial, I just prefer the company of my thoughts over most people.

I'm not sure what's harder, trying to get out of bed in the morning or going to bed at a decent hour.

I don't stress about making plans. The best nights are the ones that were never supposed to happen.

I'm not saying I'm indecisive, but I can't decide if that's true or not.

I always enjoy being told to relax. It really helps me calm down.

I like to live on the edge - of my bed, where I debate if getting up is worth it.

I'm not saying I'm a procrastinator, but why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?

I love it when my phone autocorrects a word to something I didn't want. It's like it knows better than me.

I'm not a chef, but I do microwave a mean cup of water.

I don't need a personal trainer, my refrigerator gives me a workout every time I open it.

I'm not a morning person, but I do enjoy watching the sunrise...from inside my house.

I'm not a doctor, but I do have a prescription for a healthy dose of sarcasm.

I don't need caffeine to wake up, the fear of being late is my daily motivator.

I'm not a mind reader, but I can tell when someone is about to ask a stupid question.

I don't need a GPS, getting lost is just my way of exploring new areas.

I'm not a comedian, but I do find it amusing when people take themselves too seriously.