My superpower is making everything awkward.

Remember, you're not a monster - monsters get way more sleep than you do.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, but not all of it.

The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

When I said 'I'd hit that', I meant with my car.

You're not really an adult until you have a favorite brand of Tupperware.

I love when people tell me to act my age. Which one should I pick?

I'm not sure if I actually have free time, or if I'm just forgetting something important.

I've finally embraced my inner demons - we're all on good terms now.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.

I'm not saying I'm a great listener, but I once nodded along to a conversation for 10 minutes before realizing the other person wasn't talking to me.

I'm not a procrastinator, I just enjoy the thrill of rushing to finish everything at the last minute.

I'm not saying I have commitment issues, but I once bought a plant and promptly forgot to water it until it died.

I don't always give great advice, but when I do, it's usually because I've already made the same mistake myself.

I'm not saying I'm a relationship expert, but I once ended a fight with my significant other by sending them a meme.

I don't always recycle, but when I do, it's usually because the trash can is full.

I'm not saying I'm a culinary artist, but I once made a Pinterest-worthy charcuterie board by opening a bag of chips and cheese slices.

I'm not a germaphobe, I just prefer to think of hand sanitizer as a portable shower.