I don't need an alarm clock, my cat has a strict schedule of knocking things off shelves at 6 AM every morning.

I'm not saying I'm a history buff, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

I'm not a morning person, I'm more of a 'don't talk to me until at least noon' person.

I'm not saying I'm a technology whiz, but I once fixed my grandma's VCR by turning it off and on again.

I'm not saying I'm a fashion icon, but I once wore socks with sandals and no one said anything.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have a fridge that constantly challenges me to open it.

I always strive for success, but my alarm clock seems to have a different agenda.

I love how my bank account statement always keeps me humble.

I'm not saying I'm bad at relationships, but my plants won't even commit to me.

I love how my car breaks down at the best possible times. It really adds excitement to my day.

I'm not saying I'm a hoarder, but I do have a closet full of 'things I might need one day'.

If karma was real, I'd probably be in some serious trouble right about now.

I'm not saying I have commitment issues, but I can barely commit to a TV show on Netflix.

I told my therapist I have a fear of success. He said, 'Don't worry, it's not like you'll ever find out.'

My therapist told me I need to face my fears. So I paid my bills without looking at the total.

I love how wrinkles give my face character. Too bad it's a horror story.

I always strive for perfection, but reality keeps kicking me in the shins.

Life is like a box of chocolates - I eat it all and then regret it.

I'm not saying I have trust issues, but my pillow was conspiring against me last night.

My life is like a math problem - I'm constantly trying to find X, but it always ends up being a Y.

Whoever said 'don't cry over spilled milk' clearly never spilled their wine.